At the crossroads

 It happened.  Mom died.  To (semi)retire or not to retire?  I still need health insurance.  

Another year, another post 2

For me, 2020 was a chance to recover my mental and physical health.  Oh my stomach issues were a nightmare, brought on by 2019's stress of managing Auntie's probate & Mom's care, made worse by my boss.  But because the workload slowed and Mom's care transferred to assisted living, I could slow down and recover.  However, things didn't work as well for Mom.  COVID restrictions had her isolated in her room since March 15.  That was the beginning of her decline, until December when her weight dropped under 100 lbs and she went to hospice.

So 2021 is looking bleak.  I may lose Mom later this year.  Her brother (80 yo) and his wife (est 88yo) have COVID.  They will likely survive but it may take a while.  Like Mom, I expect every time they have a major illness, there is a mental decline they don't usually recover from.  I hope they move in with my cousin, who unfortunately got COVID from them but I have no doubt she will recover completely.

Personal 2021 goals:

1) When Mom went to hospice, I had to move Mom's furniture out of the apartment by myself.  I couldn't find help.  In 2018, before Auntie passed, I was exercising regularly (just once a week but regular.)  I really felt the lack of fitness during this move.  So I am going to get back into exercising regularly.  It'll likely be Tai Chi exercises.  I wish I could put a pole in my back yard to do TRX (strap) exercises.

2) I've got to get my BG under control.  I couldn't get a 2020 flu shot because my BG was too high. 

3) Part of #2 is controlling my drinking.  I need to find a way to substitute plain ol' water for all the soda and juices which has gradually gotten out of control since Aug 2019.  I do like tea but I can't drink it past 5pm because the caffeine keeps me from sleeping.

4) Actually more of a TO DO LIST item.  It was my 2020 goal to end Mom's storage, but because of COVID restrictions, the Goodwill, Salvation Army, & local Rescue Mission stopped accepting donations because they couldn't process donations and their stores were closed for business.  

2017 amendment (to my words)

Just a slight adjustment to what I said only 3 posts ago.  I said the only thing that would push me into early retirement is starting dialysis.  Well, life & experiences have a way of changing plans.  That was before my aunt died and before experiencing what it takes to administer a probate case.  I've gone through so much stress this year

Just in the past 2 weeks, Mom's health has been up and down.  She'd be bedridden & refusing food for a couple days, then back to routine without any intervention.  Then down again, and up again back to her normal.  So while I'm just sitting bedside watching over her, I have time for more introspection.

The amendment to my retirement plan: Mom's death will mark the end of my full time work.  There's no way I can go again through the stress of a full time job while administering probate.  There is so much to do during lawyer office hours & bank hours & investment company hours.  The company I work for is lenient about time off while family members are alive, but once they've passed, there is no sympathy or appreciation for all you have to do to close out their life on this earth.  Granted, Mom's probate will be easier than my aunts but I'll have alot of discovery to do.  Fortunately Mom is physically healthier than she knows.  She's delicate but still going strong.

Another year, another post

LOL, I can't believe I've been writing only one post a year.  That sucks.  Truth be told, 2018 was my annus horribilus.  Auntie's Edith, Susie, and my dad died within the span of 4 months.  I only thought I was stressed and overwhelmed with Mom's care, now it's 10X.  My thumb has been numb all of December.  I think it's carpal tunnel because it was helped by wearing a brace for a week and, though I haven't been off the computer, I haven't been using the mouse too much for the past week and the hand isn't hurting anymore, though the thumb is still numb.

So at the beginning of the year, I was set up for 10 personal trainer sessions, and I was clear from the beginning that I could only get away on Sundays, then for no more than 2 hours.  It was rough.  Though I got what I wanted out of it, the trainers couldn't stick with me.  They were all flakey, except for the last guy.  I didn't know there was an expiration date, but that wasn't my fault they didn't have a trainer for me.  The last guy made it right.  I got my 10 sessions, even though it took me another month past the expiration.  Just in time, because then Auntie Susie died.

So, as far as fitness, I learned a few things I could do at home while keeping an eye on Mom.  Physically it made no difference.  But when Auntie died, she took my appetite with me.  I was just beginning to get it back when Dad died.  I think I lost about 20 pounds.

Then I got an instant pot and I've been experimenting during the holiday break.  I have 11 days off (unpaid) between Christmas & New Years (hence the rest for my hand).  I brought work home but I haven't touched it.  Too much personal paperwork to get rid of before I'm overwhelmed with 3 or 4 income tax filings.

Okay.  2019 goal:  practice tai chi every day.  I need the workout.  I need the stress relief.  I need the meditation time.

A personal trainer

I stopped going to the gym 2+ years ago.  I've kept up the membership because we're great great great grandfathered into an awesome deal.  However, for a little over a year, I have to rush home after work to feed mom.  At first she'd just start eating anything that's available -- I worried about her blood sugar.  Now it's like rushing home to an untrained puppy.  If I don't get to her in time, I don't know what mess I'll be walking in to.  So that means I can't go to the gym after work.  Ever.

Every January, I look for a deal on a personal trainer.  This year I found one!  However my time is limited to Saturday or Sunday afternoons.  I've got more physical limitations than ever now. so I could use some help getting back into the gym, just moving more in general.  My buddy-tennis-pickleball-roller blading partner in crime is away for 6 months to cruise around the world.  So happy for her.  She wants me to take over her job.  She says there's not enough work for full time PCB so I'd have to do some mechanical design/drafting too.  That's my hesitation.  I can get work.  I don't want more side work, I want a flexible situation to care for Mom.

I also have a lead on the company I wish I'd gone to 10 years ago.  I can get either of these as side work.  Again, I want a flexible company with full time benefits.  I can get a good raise with this company.  But I have no guarantee for more time with either of these companies, just more money & more work.

Introspective weekend

Brought about by my coworker quitting and moving out of state, I spent the weekend at home just thinking about my own career & future retirement.  It was too hot to do anything else but sit by the personal fan because I can't turn on the ceiling fan (Mom doesn't like it.)  He moved to pursue his religious passion and to reduce expenses in preparation for his retirement as his health declines. Good personal decisions for him, we're all feeling sorry for his wife who isn't excited about the move.

Like him, I love my job and I would do it as long as I can sit at a computer and wiggle my mouse. But it brought up thoughts about my passions for all my hobbies and interests.  For one thing, other than age, the only other thing that would knock me out of the work force is the need to go on kidney dialysis.  It'll depend on how that medical procedure would suck time or energy from me to continue going to the company to work.

So, if time were freed up today without concern for housing or medical expenses, what would I do with my time?  How wold I spend my day?  For one thing, travel is off the list.  As much as I enjoy it, travel would be a major hassle to work dialysis into a trip.  That would certainly mark the end of my travelling, unless I get a donor kidney.  As it is, I stopped volunteering to travel with Mom about 5 years ago when it got to be too much for her.  The travel bug is still in her heart but her body can't handle it anymore.  She turns into a mindless zombie when she reaches her limit.  Her severe FOMO (fear of missing out) prevents her from admitting when she reaches her limit.

For one thing, I started my "retirement planning" when I was in my 20's.  That's when I started learning tai chi.  I've practically forgotten it all now, but I miss martial arts.  Mom takes up this time I would use for martial arts. But I have everything lined up here to get back in the swing of things when I get the time.  I'll likely never get into any of the other arts that I've done.  I didn't invest alot of mental effort into it  (time yes, effort no) so I basically let the moves sink into muscle memory by rote.  It was never in my heart to stay with those as I aged.  My back and knees made that abundantly clear even back then.

The other "retirement planning" I did was to take art classes.  I could easily slip back into being a sketchaholic.  Right now it's also on the back burner.  I still sketch things occasionally, only to test my skills.  I like what I produce, but the creativity (the next idea) is where I falter.

I've still got my piano, which has been on the back burner longer than everything else.  I'd have to get it tuned, but it's waiting for me to pick up where I left off if I can just get rid of everything on top of and in front of the piano to access it.  I won't take lessons.  I was good at sight reading music at one time.  I can get there again with a little regular practice.  This is a skill I enjoy having but I never understood why I need to be able to play.  It's always had the lowest priority yet it waits for me.

Fitness, would become priority.  I would finally have time to go to the gym with or without Mom.  I was really good about this when I was laid off.  Normally I find this so boring I want to cry, but when I have nothing else to do, it's great for burning off nervous energy.  Of course, this would depend on the energy I have after dialysis.  I would want put priority on tai chi over gym if it came to how I should spend a finite amount of energy.

Then there's the last thing.  I'd actually take my videos to the next level and put them up on YouTube.  I would monetize and become a YouTuber.  I'd probably start with unicycle tours and Tai Chi videos.  I've always had a seed in the back of my head that I wanted to teach Tai Chi for free.  Never had the time, let alone the space.

Another milestone in life

It's almost my birthday again.  Wow, and I'm writing here instead of on LiveJournal.  I was so ready to quit LiveJournal back in January because its been dead for several years.  Then my favorite actor, Alan Rickman died just before his 70th birthday and the Alan Rickman communities lit up again.  Just like me, they were just there for what used to be daily activity on Alan Rickman & Harry Potter fanart & fanfiction communities.  These communities basically died after the last Harry Potter book/movie, and despite the Harry Potter theme parks and latest plays & books there has been no inkling of a resurgence.  And then it's dead again.  So in June I got hooked on YouTube videos, more specifically, the daily (or almost daily) vlogs. 


So here I am.  I have made a few vlogs since June, though I haven't posted it anywhere.  I still want to get back into Tai Chi but between the day job, the side job, taking care of Mom every time she gets sick, vlog editing, and making stuff with the 3D pen, I have figured out I will have to wake up at 4:30am to have time for exercise in any form.


I want an electric bicycle.  My brother's visiting, I've asked him to help me donate my old bike because I don't want to put it in my car and he has a rental.  I can't order it until the old one is out.  There's too much crap in the house.  Speaking of "too much,"  I've got too much paper.  Yea, it was intended for art, but most of it came from Mom's closet.  It's not the kind of paper I would buy for my art.  I wish I could find a women's shelter or kids program who would actually use the art supplies.  I've got alot of student acrylic to donate before it goes bad, too.  I've got the professional lines that I'll keep for the canvases.

Gung Hai Fat Choy

That's Happy New Year to the Chinese monkey.  Wow, the year flew by.  I was working a lot in the last half of 2015.  Mom's health seems to mirror the weather.  When it's going to rain, she gets all achy.  It used to just be her knees, now it's her back and shoulders too.  I'm getting physical therapy for my shoulder.  I have better range of motion and it doesn't ache like it used to without a reason.  I was surprised at the progress from the first appointment.  Progress could be better if I did my home exercises.

So we went to a Chinese New Year event at the local library.  Loved the Beijing Opera actors, I never saw Chinese Opera like that before--I mean I've seen Chinese Opera before, but I didn't "get it" like I did this time.  There was also a Tai Chi demonstration from a local group.  Unfortunately they're not close enough to me, and they meet during my work hours.  I'd love to learn that fan form they did.

Just a little progress

Went on vacation this year to the usual place.  My left shoulder has been getting more frozen since before the cataract surgery (Aug 2014) and apparently moving it around, pushing the range and strength is the way to unfreeze it.  Every day for that week in May, I did 18-style.  Great start to getting movement back into that shoulder.  I haven't done it since, but I have been trying to push the movement range every day.  It's helping.  Still hurts, but it's helping. Unfortunately, I haven't done any exercises since.

2015 Resolution

This blog will be a year old in another month.  I started it while I was burning up vacation time to nurse mom back to health at the timeshare.  It was great progress at first and it got me back into my tai chi head while my side business slowed down.  Then I had cataract surgery, then another to correct the implant.  And after each eye surgery, there's a period where they tell you don't exercise and don't bend over.  I just never got back to exercising, then business picked up again.  There were other home issues that drained my bank account so the side business is helping my financial recovery. 

In 2015, I resolve to practice tai chi every day.  I WILL make time for it.