I have no intention of letting you go

First chance I've had for any exchange with Big Boss in a few weeks.  He was calling me out for errors that happened over 10 years ago, and they were errors I inherited.  I say that because, yes, I should have caught it because I had redrawn the work of the original designer (10+ years ago) and haven't touched it since.  Anyway, this was my opportunity!  I told him if I go to dialysis 3X/week I can't keep up with the workload.  I said I'm okay if you start looking for my replacement but I'd like to stay until the end of the year.

Okay, that's not exactly a resignation.  Usually at that point they ask for your resignation in writing but  he said "I have no intention of letting you go."  He walked over to his wife's office (Mrs. HR) and told her to start looking for an assistant(?) for me.  Oh Pooh!

Next goal toward retirement

Okay, I can't fail this one, right?  I'm currently doing dialysis two days a week.  I haven't been able to complete a full 8 hour day of work 80% of the time.  I haven't been able to complete a 4 hour day on dialysis days.  I'm always short! Then there is all the times that I take off for doctor's appointments and procedures.

Sometimes there's talk of increasing my dialysis from 2 days to 3.  I think if that happens, I won't be able to keep up with my workload.  Actually, my workload isn't too bad right now.  My real issue is the way Big Boss talks to me in an accusatory way (he talks to everyone that way, not just me) but he changes his tone when he realizes I have all my ducks in a row.  I'm always right.  The Old Boss used to shield me from that--I still miss him, not just for that.  THAT is my ticket out.

I have help!

...so maybe I don't have to retire.  This gets the monkey off my back.  More than just offering to help, this tiger is actually setting a time to help.  If I can actually clear the rooms, I don't have to retire, although it's often the company environment that makes me dream of retiring early.  I still enjoy the work and nobody's bothering me about my irregular hours.  My deadlines are more often self-imposed.

So hard to retire despite the desire

I have my 13 year work anniversary in 3 days.  I expect I'll be having my annual review before they hand me my Friday paycheck.  I've had alot of health issues (3 surgeries) since my last post.  As much as I wanted to retire before the end of 2022, my PD port stopped working on Christmas and for the next 3 weeks I was trying to get it fixed but I was hampered by a change in employer-sponsored insurance that happened on Dec 1.  Short story: they took out the PD port & put in a temporary HD port.  There are still lots of advantages to employer insurance vs Medicare, however I had a rude awakening when I got my prescriptions this month.  My co-pay was over $500 !!  So maybe it's time for Medicare to take over with a Medicare supplement.  I have to quit employer insurance for Medicare to start paying anything.

So this week will be my next opportunity to quit and it'll be that much easier if GM does a review without kid gloves.  We had an argument last week.  Big Boss is making it so hard, though.  In his attempt to show (company) support, he quietly has been paying my full salary since I ran out of paid time off.  After Mrs HR Boss told me, I told her I'm in a good place so I won't be living in a van down by the river.  The other thing is, without a hard schedule I'm afraid I'm going to sleep my days away as I currently do my weekends.  I'm also going to miss the socialization.  I'm going to have to find a weekly meeting group or something.

edit: No annual review.  I forgot paychecks are now direct deposit.  Big Boss & Mrs HR Boss left early.  GM had visiting customers to attend to.  Dammit, how am I going to quit?

End of the year

I finally have everything in place to retire from working full time, yet I hesitate.  Right now my excuse is to see if I get paid the bonus for busting my butt in June, culminating in end stage renal failure first week of July.  I'm not holding my breath, I fully expect them to deny that I made the goals and present the bonus as what I would have gotten anyway at the end of the year, basically the equivalent of an extra paycheck.  

I'm thinking of giving 4 month notice in January.  Then I will be old enough to withdraw from 401k's and IRA's without penalty.  I don't want to be like (boss) Jim or Auntie Lulu and die 2 months after I retire.  Even though I can't travel anymore...well, technically, I can travel, though domestic would be easier than international, but it takes like 6 month of planning to get supplies delivered to my destination--for what, a week?  Then I would have to hand carry the dialysis machine (35 pounds, 2 ft x 2 ft x 8 in) and risk coming across ignorant airline workers who would have me check it in.  I think I'll just wait the 2 to 5 years and pray for a transplant.  Supposedly, I could even do cruises while on dialysis but it's alot of logistics to carry 7-10 days of dialysate -- and where would it go in the cabin?  Those rooms are tiny!

What does retirement look like?

• Wake up, have coffee
• Go to the gym (M-F, 2 hrs/day)
• Home to shower
• 1st goal is to end probate
• 2nd goal is to end Mom's storage unit
• 3rd goal is to create guest bedroom #1
• 4th goal is to create guest bedroom #2 / dialysis supply storage
• 5th goal is to create space in my bedroom for a Lazy-Boy next to the dialysis machine
• 6th goal is to be able to park a car in my garage.  Then I'll get a new car.

I estimate this to take 1-2 years.  I don't have the energy to do this while I work full time.  Making space is to recover my mental health that started going downhill when Mom moved in with all her stuff.  I remember in 2009 crying in frustration that I don't want to live in a warehouse.  It fell on deaf ears so I had to take vacations inside my own head.  Yet here I am still living in a 25% of my of my whole house and two-car garage.

So much for convergence

I was waiting for the Boss to come back from the holiday break.  Last week we got the news that he had passed.  I will miss him.  He was such a wealth of knowledge, but moreso, he was a gentleman.  He diverted the toxicity away from me.  The other managers don't realize or acknowledge my value just for my primary job, not even including all the other stuff I do outside of that.

I was scheduled for cataract surgery for this past Monday but I didn't pass my pre-op appointment, so it has been rescheduled for March and I'll be done with follow-up appointments in April.  That was only one issue for which I need health insurance.  Next, I have a CPAP machine coming.  But...well they say they'll bill me for 10 months before it's mine outright.  Insurance is covering 50% but they don't like to release the funds all at one time, so they probably won't allow me to pay for it and be done with it.  Ugh, I hope I don't have to stay at work for another 10 months.  I'm so jealous of my little brother who was able to retire because he gets a pension and his healthcare premiums are covered 75%.

Waiting for convergence

Looks like my boss may retire at the end of the year.  Heck, he's over 80.  I've decided I'm going to work as long as he's still there.  I like him.  Plus, it may take until the end of the year to collect all the accounts.  I don't get the authority to be Executor for another 4 weeks, maybe 6 to actually get the forms in my hand.  That means I have to wait until then to deal with the banks & institutions.  They usually don't give you the time of day unless you're holding that piece of paper.  So my target date is next January/February.  If Manila is done with COVID, then I may be able to bring Mom to her final resting place in April.

At the crossroads

 It happened.  Mom died.  To (semi)retire or not to retire?  I still need health insurance.  

Another year, another post 2

For me, 2020 was a chance to recover my mental and physical health.  Oh my stomach issues were a nightmare, brought on by 2019's stress of managing Auntie's probate & Mom's care, made worse by my boss.  But because the workload slowed and Mom's care transferred to assisted living, I could slow down and recover.  However, things didn't work as well for Mom.  COVID restrictions had her isolated in her room since March 15.  That was the beginning of her decline, until December when her weight dropped under 100 lbs and she went to hospice.

So 2021 is looking bleak.  I may lose Mom later this year.  Her brother (80 yo) and his wife (est 88yo) have COVID.  They will likely survive but it may take a while.  Like Mom, I expect every time they have a major illness, there is a mental decline they don't usually recover from.  I hope they move in with my cousin, who unfortunately got COVID from them but I have no doubt she will recover completely.

Personal 2021 goals:

1) When Mom went to hospice, I had to move Mom's furniture out of the apartment by myself.  I couldn't find help.  In 2018, before Auntie passed, I was exercising regularly (just once a week but regular.)  I really felt the lack of fitness during this move.  So I am going to get back into exercising regularly.  It'll likely be Tai Chi exercises.  I wish I could put a pole in my back yard to do TRX (strap) exercises.

2) I've got to get my BG under control.  I couldn't get a 2020 flu shot because my BG was too high. 

3) Part of #2 is controlling my drinking.  I need to find a way to substitute plain ol' water for all the soda and juices which has gradually gotten out of control since Aug 2019.  I do like tea but I can't drink it past 5pm because the caffeine keeps me from sleeping.

4) Actually more of a TO DO LIST item.  It was my 2020 goal to end Mom's storage, but because of COVID restrictions, the Goodwill, Salvation Army, & local Rescue Mission stopped accepting donations because they couldn't process donations and their stores were closed for business.  

2017 amendment (to my words)

Just a slight adjustment to what I said only 3 posts ago.  I said the only thing that would push me into early retirement is starting dialysis.  Well, life & experiences have a way of changing plans.  That was before my aunt died and before experiencing what it takes to administer a probate case.  I've gone through so much stress this year

Just in the past 2 weeks, Mom's health has been up and down.  She'd be bedridden & refusing food for a couple days, then back to routine without any intervention.  Then down again, and up again back to her normal.  So while I'm just sitting bedside watching over her, I have time for more introspection.

The amendment to my retirement plan: Mom's death will mark the end of my full time work.  There's no way I can go again through the stress of a full time job while administering probate.  There is so much to do during lawyer office hours & bank hours & investment company hours.  The company I work for is lenient about time off while family members are alive, but once they've passed, there is no sympathy or appreciation for all you have to do to close out their life on this earth.  Granted, Mom's probate will be easier than my aunts but I'll have alot of discovery to do.  Fortunately Mom is physically healthier than she knows.  She's delicate but still going strong.